The Vanishing Horse

Many years ago, I wrote a blog about a special Christmas gift I got for the kids.  I’ve been asked to repeat it this year. Since this is a difficult year, and a very difficult Christmas season, I am repeating the story.  I hope this brings a smile to your face. Most of all this year, we need to remember the good things of the past and not let the problems of today blind us to the good things we have experienced.

My second Christmas in Connecticut promised to be special. I had bought the house on Great Hill Road just a hundred feet from a quiet lake with maple, birch and spruce trees growing almost to the water line. The kids had ten free days to enjoy The Dolphin, a small row boat which they had helped refinish and paint, and which they could easily manage. If it turned cold enough and the lake froze, the ice skates would come out. And, though they didn’t know it, they were going to have a spectacular gift.

Earlier in the month, after considerable research, I traveled into central Connecticut to look at horses. The selection process proved to be horse-angrycomplicated. A horse named Trouble pawed the ground, snorted, and would have bitten me had I not been considerably quicker than I am now. A second horse, Lightning, slept through the interview, barely managing to put two feet ahead of the other two. He failed to make the cut. The next candidate, Cara, passed with flying colors—until price entered the picture. Grace, a lovely sorrel, had two—no, make that four—left feet.

Eventually, I found a beautiful, if not young, roan with a gentle, if occasionally obstinate, disposition named Cheyenne. After a brief ride, I purchased Cheyenne.

Marvin Whittle, who was employed at the research lab where I worked, owned a stable right in town, not far from our house on Great Hill. We came to an agreement and I made arrangements to have Cheyenne transported from central Connecticut to the Whittle Farm.

Never in my life had I bought a saddle, but now I shopped and evaluated. What did I know about such things? There were western saddles and eastern saddles, but no southern saddles. Curious. I discovered that Western meant big and comfortable while eastern meant small and uncomfortable. Just like the states. I opted for a Texas style, not so big that the girls could not handle it, and with the proper leather smell.

Then came a bridle, blankets, and a source for hay.  Wouldn’t a dog have been simpler?

A week before Christmas, I had the present—Cheyenne and all the necessary items to outfit him, house him, and even feed him for the first month. Early on Christmas eve, I moved Cheyenne from the Whittle Farm to a neighbor’s near-by home. Things moved along as smooth as a well used halter.

christmas-tree-3The children were nestled all snug in their beds, with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads. I slipped out, sneaked down a quarter mile to the neighbor’s house, and on tip-toes, lead Cheyenne to our place, and tied him securely to a bush outside the front of the house.

The land bordering on this part of Great Hill sloped down to the beautiful lake. Most houses, and ours was no exception, faced the lake. The main floor of the house, while at ground level on the side nearest the road, projected out eight feet above the ground on the lake side. Positioning Cheyenne in front of the house kept him well below the sight lines from bedrooms and the living room where the tree twinkled and presents waited impatiently to be unwrapped.

As was tradition, the kids arose before the sun, leaping from deep sleep to hyper-active as quick as a sneeze, clamoring to see what Santa had deposited in our living room. (They never expected to find only a lump of coal. In fairness, I guess they never deserved such.)

Christmas and presents, even if meager, generate excitement, screams of joy, and only occasionally envy. This Christmas was little different, if somewhat subdued. In truth, Santa had not been as generous as had been his habit in years past. Even those holidays when I was in graduate school looked somewhat fatter than this year. So, while it is not fair to say they were disappointed, well—it didn’t take long to open Santa’s leavings.

After a slight delay, wanting them to enjoy the non-horse items, I invited them to follow me outside. This produced a few groans, and actually made the Christmas offerings look a lot better and difficult to leave. But since I knew how excited they would be over the horse, I persisted. We exited the back and with a sly grin on my face I led them around to the front of the house.

Triumphantly, we turned the corner to find—nothing. No Christmas horse. No Cheyenne. No saddle. No blanket. No bridle.

To say I was stunned is to say the Sahara is a sand pile. Horse thieves in Connecticut? The kids, not knowing what to expect, just looked at me … expectantly. What was the big surprise? I knew what my surprise was. No Cheyenne.

Pulling myself together, not wanting to look too lost in front of the kids, I surveyed the area. Not only was the horse missing, the large bush he had been tied to was gone as well. Why would rustlers take my bush?

I mumbled some nonsense and sent the kids back inside to play with their meager cache. Slowly, I became a cunning tracker. Before long, I was picking out signs, some of which I will not describe, with the skill of an Indian brave trainee. After only a quarter mile, I heard the sound I had expected earlier: excited children. Rounding a clump of cedars, there was Cheyenne—as well as two young kids thrilled with the newfound present Santa had left for them.

I eased up, saying some soothing, cheerful things to the young boy and girl as I endeavored to take the reins. They clutched the leather tighter, accusing me of trying to steal their Christmas present. I bent low, hoping not to look like a towering monster, and spoke softly with an angelic smile on my face. Logic had always been a strong point for me, so I explained to them, in child-like terms, what had happened.

I remained the evil Grinch.

With some subterfuge, I got one end of the reins, and shielded it from the now screaming girl. But my gain amounted to little, as the boy instantly clamped his tiny hands around the stirrup. The boy’s cries now echoed hers and people on the other side of the lake came out on porches to see what malfeasance had come to Rainbow Lake.angry-woman2

Trouble was closer at hand. An angry mother burst out of the nearby house, ready to kill the miscreant trying to kidnap, or otherwise harm, her children. She was followed by a big, burly man, surely seven feet tall, who’s eyes did not exhibit the Christmas spirit.

paul-bunyonThe woman ran to her children, shielding them from scoundrel me, questioning them as to what I had done. The man, his Paul Bunyan legs requiring few steps to traverse the distance, grilled me. I quickly recognized he was a seven foot interrogator for the CIA.

At long last, logic arrived on the scene, tardy as usual in such situations. The children finally managed to sob that I was taking their horse. Santa had left their present outside, since it was too big to go down the chimney. They had found it, and now, Scrooge was trying to steal it.

With the aid of the one rein still attached to the bush, I described how Cheyenne uprooted his hitching post and wandered down to their yard.

The mother’s translation did not cheer the children. But they were somewhat mollified when I promised to bring Cheyenne down and let them ride him later in the day.

horse-1a           Needless to say, when I once more enticed my children outside to meet Cheyenne, Christmas became a lot brighter. He was an instant star, and continued to be their favorite even when, a year later, a younger, more beautiful buckskin named Major joined Cheyenne in the family circus.

James R. Callan

Rejection ! !

 

 

Today’s blog will be brief, because no one wants to dwell too long on a rejection.  But, so you know you are not alone, here are some rejections that other writers have received.

Shakespeare’s name, you may depend on it, will go down. He has no invention as to stories, none whatever. —Lord Byron (1814)

A huge dose of hyperbolical slang, maudlin sentimentalism and tragic-comic bubble and squeak. —William Harrison Ainsworth, New Monthly Magazine, review of Moby Dick by Herman Melville (1851)

The girl doesn’t, it seems to me, have a special perception or feeling which would lift that book above the “curiosity” level. —The Diary of Anne Frank

A gross trifling with every fine word. —Springfield Republican, review of Huckleberry Finn (1884)

Ralph Waldo Emerson [is] a hoary-headed and toothless baboon. —Thomas Carlyle, Collected Works (1871)

I am sorry, Mr. Kipling, but you just do not know how to use the English language.
—San Francisco Examiner, rejection letter to Kipling (1889)

 

It is impossible to sell animal stories in the USA. —Animal Farm by George Orwell

We fancy that any child might be more puzzled than enchanted by this stiff, silly, overwrought story. —Children’s Books’ review of Alice In Wonderland by Lewis Carrol (1865)

 

And I’ll close with one I personally received from an editor at one of the big five publishers in New York for the first book I wrote.  In part, it said,  “Totally unrealistic. As an example, you have the man talking to his computer.”

If you’ve received an equally rediculous rejection, please leave a comment and share the rejection with us  Thanks.

Jim

 

 

 

Free Ice Water

To those of you who have been with me for seven years, I apologize. But the other day, a friend ask me to reprise this blog.  So here it is.  It still has merit today.

On a recent road trip, we passed through Wall, South Dakota, and visited Wall Drugs.  That’s almost all there is in the small town.  But, it is something to see.  It now fills a square block, and claims to be the largest drug store in the country.  I have no doubt it is. It has many, many rooms for various items that might tempt a tourist to part with some dollars, play areas for kids, some excellent art, and a restaurant that can handle 500 people at a time.  Oh yes, there is a pharmacy, but it is almost lost among the opportunities to buy just about anything.

You have no trouble finding Wall Drugs. For a hundred miles east and west you will see signs along the highway for Wall Drug Store.  Many of them simply say, “Free Ice Water.  Wall Drug Store.”

Today, with our air-conditioned cars and fast food places every ten minutes, free ice water doesn’t seem to be much of a draw.  But back in 1931, things were different.

In 1931, the owners of Wall Drugs, a young pharmacist and his wife, were about to give up that hot summer.  They had agreed they would give it five years and if they couldn’t make it in that period, they’d pull up stakes and move to a big city. Their five years were almost up.

One hot day, the pharmacist’s wife came in and said she had an idea that might get some of the people driving down the highway to stop and come into the store. What did people really want on a hot summer day driving in a hot car through a dusty area?  Ice water. She suggested putting up signs on the highway that said, “Free Ice Water.”

The pharmacist and a high school boy drove out and put up the signs. Before they got back, cars were stopping and people were asking for free ice water.  Some of them decided to get ice cream. And some bought other things. Business began to grow. By the next summer, they had to hire eight girls to handle the sales.

In 2012, a good day will see 20,000 people come through the Wall Drug Store. The highway signs advertise many items sold at Wall Drugs. But many of the signs still read, “Free Ice Water.  Wall Drug Store.”  And “5 Ȼ Coffee,  Wall Drug Store.”  Yes, when you get there, you can get free ice water and you can still get a cup of coffee for 5 Ȼ.  But the customers spend much more than a nickel.  The same family still owns the store, although it has passed on to the children and grandchildren of the original couple who found a way to bring business into their store.

How did they do it?  They found what people really wanted and provided it.  But, it was the simple signs that brought the people in.  As writers, we need to decide what it is that people really want in a book. We must then provide it.  But the big step is to advertise it. Let people know that what they want is available.  The difference is that today, we will put our signs on the Internet highway.  People cruise down it every day, twenty-four hours a day.  We must get our signs out there.  Simple, to the point signs, that offer the public what they want.  Maybe we give something away.  It might be a first chapter.  It might be a drawing for a free book.  (You can’t afford to give a book to everybody.)  Maybe it only needs to be a very short blurb that entices the passerby to stop for a moment, read a bit more, maybe decide to buy.

The key is to provide what the public wants, and tell them about it so they can pass the word around.

One last thing. You’ll notice I didn’t say “readers.”  We might as well aim for a larger group.  Write a book that will bring more people into the reading community.  Expand our fan base. Find today’s “Free Ice Water” and put out those signs on the highway.

And today, I’d appreciate a comment as much as a glass of ice water.  Thanks.

 

On Amazon in digital, paper, or audio formats:    https://amzn.to/2UDjXxw

 

The Glamorous Life of a Writer

Today, writer and international speaker Jennifer Slattery talks about the glamorous life of a writer.  It’s a fun read and maybe we can see ourselves in the title role.  Jennifer has published six contemporary novels, maintains a devotional blog, and works on several fronts to help women realize their true worth.  But now, here is that glamorous life.

Whoever writes authors into movies have never met any in real life. At least, they’ve never met this writer.

Considering all my mishaps, I should probably write romcom.

A few summers ago, threw away my favorite black pair, fully intending to replace them. Once I finished that story, then that article, then that next blog post …

Mid-August rolled around, and I began packing for what I knew would be a whirlwind trip–a conference where I’d be speaking and teaching three classes, followed by a book signing, with a day and a half home before heading to an author event followed by another conference.

So there I was, planning what to wear and … no black flats, and no time to hit the mall. Luckily (ha!) our daughter, who was still living with us at the time, owned a really cute pair of pumps, so I tossed them in my suitcase, closed it up, and was good to go.

Eh …

Saturday rolled around, the last day of the conference and the day of my book signing. By this point, I was also down to one outfit–the one needing those black pumps. So, on they went.

And I quickly remembered how long it’d been since I’d worn heels. And that my daughter’s feet are wider than mine. So here I am, trying to look all professional while wobbling around, about ready to topple over, in my daughter’s much too high heels. To make things worse, every third step one of my shoes actually slipped off, nearly sending me flat on my face.

All while I was trying to act all bookishly professional–and everyone I encounter, including the bookstore owner hosting me, is doing there best not to laugh out loud.

Grown woman, acting like a teenager in her first pair of heels. Oy.

I wish I could say wardrobe malfunctions during book signings are rare events, but …

I was on another trip, this time in Des Moines. Once again, it was a whirlwind weekend with back-to-back speaking engagements followed by a signing. By my last event, I was down to my last outfit–the one I was wearing. The others were not so neatly packed in my suitcase in the trunk. Add to this the fact that it was freezing out–not sure capris and strappy sandals were a great idea.

With goosebumps exploding across my arms and my lips turning a deep shade of blue despite my heavily applied lipgloss, I decided to buy some coffee.

Did I mention I was wearing white capris? You know where this is going, don’t you? I experienced a momentary rush of warmth, followed by a rush of panic.

A writer’s life. Isn’t it glamorous?

Do you have any wardrobe fails to share? It would make me feel better. Seriously. 😉

Just add a comment below and tell us your memorable wardrobe …  events.

Jennifer ‘ latest book is Restoring Her Faith.  Here’s a brief blurb on it.

She left belief behind…Yet this family could change her mind.

With two boys to raise, a fledgling contracting business to run and a family ranch to keep afloat, widower Drake Owens finds his hands aren’t just full they’re overflowing. When Faith Nichols is hired to help him renovate the church, he’s drawn to the beautiful artist, but he can’t fall for a woman who isn’t a believer. Can love restore her faith and his heart?

You can find Restorying Her Faith by clicking here HERE .

 

The Conclusion of “Double Faults and a Wart”

If you didn’t read the first part of this true-life story from my past, I recommend you read it now. To get the real magic of this story, you need to read the first post — first. It should be on this site. Just scroll down past this post and there it is.

Chapter Two.

Fast forward seven months.

My mother and I were doing some Christmas shopping one day before Christmas (of course).  Here, I do not mean “one day” as the day before Christmas, but “one day” as in “a single day.” We had bought an item at the Harris store in Oak Cliff.  While we waited for the sale to be processed, I let slip a complaint about the wart on my finger. Perhaps I had served a double-fault the day before, or some other wart-induced calamity. But I did complain about my wart.

The saleswoman reached over the counter and took my hand in hers.  She was as old as my mother, so I was not unduly alarmed. I wasn’t even duly alarmed. She turned my hand over in hers, looked at the wart, and began gently to rub it with one of her fingers.  I do not remember which of her fingers she used, nor whether she rubbed in a circular motion or a linear motion. But she rubbed my left index finger, or more accurately, she rubbed the wart on my finger.

This happened rather quickly and she rubbed for no more than a few seconds. And as she rubbed the wart, she said, “I believe it will go away.”

Outside, walking to the car, my mother and I joked about the incident. It was harmless enough.  She seemed like a nice lady, and was not offended by the double-fault-provoking growth.

Being well-read, I had heard of medicine men removing a wart by rubbing it with a seven-year-old rag,  hand-woven of flax and soaked in garlic oil, and afterward burying the rag in the ground during a three-quarter moon and at such a point that the morning shadow of a cedar tree would cover the burial spot.  I found no documentation to indicate that those results lasted any better than the scissor snipping did.

A week later, the wart was gone. Vanished. No special care required. No scissors. No queasy stomach. No wart.  No double-faults.

A year later, the wart was gone. Two years later, the wart was gone. Twenty years later, the wart was still gone.

The saleswoman could have been an out-of-work witch doctor making some money by working the Christmas rush. She may have been a skilled surgeon doing some pro-bono work, or perhaps testing a new procedure on unsuspecting strangers.  I could have been the subject of some undercover testing not approved by the AMA or the NIH or the CIA.

Of course, Harris would not reveal the identity of the sales clerk. Mysteriously, personnel records for part-time Christmas workers for that year were lost, destroyed by a freak fire which burned only a tiny section of their files. (This was, as you know, long before computers captured everything and never lost a file.) Thirteen private-eyes (seven PI’s, one with only one eye) could find no trace of the mystery woman.  And I could find no trace of the wart. So, after years, I abandoned the search.  For either one.

Today, the wart is still gone. The only thing on the pad of my left index finger is a tiny scar—the result of a pair of scissors.

And that’s the story of double faults and a wart.  I was just a couple of years out of college and it happened pretty much as I described it in these two posts. I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into my earlier life, and how shamans (though she did not enter a trance) or grandmothers (or perhaps even an alien) can outperform the medical industry at times.  Leave me a comment and let me know if you think this could be the centerpiece of my memoir.  And thanks for your patience.

James Callan, wart-free ex-tennis player

 

On Double Faults and a Wart: an essay

Modern medicine is amazing.  Recently, I saw a woman performing a very physical and energetic dance routine, which included an unassisted backflip. What made this amazing was that the woman had an artificial leg.

But is an example of modern-day medical miracles.  Back in the old days, when I was younger (if I say “back”, then of course I was younger), I sought medical help.  I had a wart on the end of my left index finger, right at a place that put it squarely in the way of everything I did. Right on the pad of my fingertip. And of course, the left hand is the ball-tossing hand for a right-handed tennis player.  I’m certain that any double faults I may have committed in my career to that point were a direct and impossible-to-overcome result of that wart.  I hated it.  Ken Rosewall—international tennis champion whose size, build, and indeed his strokes, resembled mine—did not have a wart on the end of his ball-tossing finger. There are some conclusions that could be drawn from this. But, I’ll leave those for others to make.

After putting up with it for more years than I care to think about, I sought medical help.  A prominent doctor (who also happened to be a neighbor) listened to me complain about it, probably more than once, and said, “Come to my office and I’ll get rid of it.”

Well, you know the rest of that story.  I went post-haste.

Now, I must preface these next two paragraphs with the true statement that I have a strong stomach. This is well documented and amply proven during my wife’s first pregnancy, as she was sick and threw up during every meal.  I did not lose weight. (Of course, she didn’t either.)

I visited the doctor’s office, eager to rid myself of this handicap. He had me sit on a table, grabbed a needle, jabbed it into my index finger and proceeded to inject my digit with enough fluid that my finger became twice as big around. Next, he took an electric wood-burning instrument, and attacked the wart. This caused it to turn brown, making it even uglier than it had been.  But I was okay with that.  Whatever liquid he had pumped in, not only fattened my finger but deadened it as well.  I watched with fascination.

Next, he grabbed a pair of scissors and with no preamble, no song or dance, no signing of a release form, no reading a privacy notice, not even a request for insurance information, proceeded to cut the entire pad off my sausage finger. If you ever had someone take a pair of scissors and snip off part of your very own body, then you will understand why I almost passed out.  I turned white, my head became faint, I saw portions of my early life pass before my eyes (without even a tape recorder handy), and I almost fell off the table. The good doctor steadied me and gave me instructions on taking care of the end of my finger. I had to correct the man. I no longer had an end of my finger.  He rephrased and suggested what to do with the stump left behind. And lest I forget that staple of all literature, my stomach roiled.

But, the wart was gone.  Halleluiah!

In time, with the miracle of – not medicine – the human body, I grew a new pad. Without a wart.  Excitement.  And for the next year, it is likely that I never double-faulted again on the tennis court. (Records are sketchy on this, some perhaps burned in a mysterious fire.)

If that were the end of the story, it would never have made the New England Journal of Medicine.

A  year or so later, the wart was back. In exactly the same place. The same size. And as annoying as ever.  No, not as annoying.  Much worse.  I had tasted freedom.  I had had a smooth, wart-free finger.  To say I was unhappy to see this return is to say Paul Bunyan was big.  It doesn’t begin to tell the story. But, I was not going back and test my strong stomach again.  No snipping off the end of my finger again. I would have to live with an occasional double-fault.

The exciting conclusion, with a mysterious twist, will be coming next week.  Stay tuned.  It will be worth it.  And feel free to leave a comment on this first bit on the wart and double faults.  Thanks.

The Good Old Days

Just got off the phone talking with a friend of mine. He had been to the doctor and was waiting for information on what kind of influenza he had.

And that set me thinking about the “good old days.”

I mean, back then, we only had one influenza.  Now we have progressed to multiple types.  Wasn’t just one influenza enough?

Of course, I realized what I had been doing for the past two weeks.  Trying to get a phone.  There are so many companies to choose from. And once you pick a company, there are dozens of plans to select from.  Remember when there was only one company?  I know.  They didn’t have cell phones then. But they might have advanced to have cell phones, right?

Life gets complicated. I was shopping yesterday and one item on the list was “apples.”  Easy.  Except, at the grocery store there were easily a dozen different types of apples. Which one should I get?  Some were better for baking, while others were just right for an apple pie. These were tart and these were sweet and those were crisp, and on and on.  I bought grapes.  Green, red or black.

No wonder we are having more people with problems.  Far too many choices.

We bought a car last year and there was a three-day discussion on the color. I remember Henry Ford who made cars available to the masses.  He said you can have any color you want – as long as it is black. Truth be told, I was glad we had more choices in the color.  I didn’t want black.  Too hot in Texas.  I picked maroon. I know. White might be cooler.  But I like maroon.

Of course, sometimes, it’s best to stay away from the “good old days.”  A few weeks ago, I was talking about those days to some of the grandkids. And I said, there was a time when you did not have to be at the airport early.  You might arrive three minutes before the flight left and you’d get on. They weren’t certain about that. Then, I went too far.  I told them that if you missed a flight, as I did occasionally, you could take your ticket to another airline that happened to be going where you wanted to go, and just get on that flight.  They questioned that. And I said, it absolutely happened. Just take the ticket from airline A, find the next flight on another airline, say airline B,  and walk up to the gate and give airline B the ticket you had bought from airline A.  Airline B happily took it and off you went.

Several of the kids were skeptical. But one just got up and left. He said that could not possibly happen and I was making up stories to confuse him and he wasn’t going to listen anymore.

So, I think I’ll just stop thinking about the “good old days.” And certainly not talk to the grandkids about that time.  Of course, for these kids, today will be the “good old days” when they get older.  They’ll tell stories about all the good choices they had.

Tell us your favorite “good old days” story.  And thanks for stopping by.

jim

 

An Inrewrview with Eula Moore

Today I’m interviewing Eula Moore, the grandmother of Crystal Moore, heroine of A Ton of Gold and A Silver Medallion. Hello, Eula. How are you today?

EULA: I’m upright, and I’m talking, so I guess I’m doing pretty good.

JIM: Tell me about The Park, since it seems to play a big part in Crystal’s adventures.

EULA: The Park, that’s where I live, is where Crystal grew up. Her parents were both killed in a freak auto accident when Crystal was a little tyke. So she came to live with us at The Park. It’s 320- acres in the piney woods of east Texas. Dan and I bought it when we was first married. That was might near sixty years ago. Couldn’t afford it. But you know kids. We got it and made it work. It’s a beautiful places with a great lake, good fishing, nice hills, and lots a trees. Very peaceful. We named it The Park right after we move on it. Anyways, Crystal roamed around The Park from the time she was seven until she went off to college at S.M.U. and then Stanford. Course, now she lives in Dallas. Too much traffic and noise there for me.

JIM: You mentioned Dan. That’s Crystal’s granddad?

EULA: Was. He went to meet his maker a dozen years ago. My first and only true love. And a great Dad and Granddad for Crystal.

JIM: That must have been about the time Crystal left for S.M.U..

EULA: Right. S.M.U. and then rode off to Californi. Entered some kind a Ph.D. program or other.

JIM: Did she earn her doctorate?

EULA: Nope. Something happened just before she was to finish. Don’t know what, and she never would say. Didn’t want to talk about it. Never did. But, she thought she was just a few months from ending and she ups and leaves and comes home. Moped around The Park for months. Finally got a job at that info retrieval company where she works now. That has perked her up. She getting back to her old self.

JIM: This past year, she went down to Mexico to rescue some young girls. What did you think about that? I mean, she doesn’t seem like the adventure-seeking type to me.

EULA: She ain’t. And I thought it was a dumb thing to do. Could a got herself killed. But she’s got a soft spot for things that can’t help themselves. So, off she went.

JIM: Didn’t you try to stop her?

EULA: She a grown woman. And she’s got a strong head and, except for that fool thing, a good head on her shoulders. I told her it was a dumb idea. But she thought those kids would never be free unless she did something.

JIM: And she did rescue the girls and reunite them with their mother.

EULA: Yes sir. She did. Course then she had two crooks trying to kill here. Good thing she had her old Nana to help her take care of them skunks.

JIM: I’d love to hear the details of how you two captured two assassins.

EULA: And I’d love to tell you. But not today. I got a game of Mexican Train waiting for me. Don’t want to keep my friends waiting. You come on back another day and I’ll tell you how I captured those two bums. Well, actually it was Crystal and me. But right now, I gotta go. Bye.

JIM: And folks, she just took off. I never had an interview end so abruptly. We’ll get back with her on another day. Knowing what I’m finding out about Eula, I’m sure it will be an interesting story. That’s all for today.

 

 

 

 

 

A Greased Pig?

Many years ago, I was teaching in a private school. One year I was sponsor of what many of the faculty labeled as the most difficult of the senior classes. Actually, I found them to be a very energetic and imaginative group, perhaps less concerned with the rules than most, and certainly less studious. But they were interesting, fun and goodhearted. I never had a problem with any of this class.

So it was no great surprise when they proposed holding a greased pig chase as a fund raiser. I raised a number of objections, but they countered each with a reasonable answer. After seeking approval from administration, a date was set.

One boy in the class had an uncle who raised pigs, so that was taken care of. Posters were made. In fact, those in charge of publicity were very innovative . One day they were more animated than usual. The greased pig chase was being publicized on the local radio station most popular with high school kids.   However, only students from our school could participate in the chase.

Entries began immediately ,with an amazing number coming from the freshman class. Briefly, I wondered if there was any coercion, but dismissed that thought. In fact, the whole school was buzzing about the upcoming porker party.

The day before the event, I received a call from an animal rights group. They were concerned about the safety of the pig. I thought to dismiss that thought also. The pig was soon to be shipped off to the packing house which would be a much worse experience than being chased by screaming teenagers. But the animal advocate was very serious. I explained that the pig would not be harmed. Once caught and secured by one or more students, he would be quickly returned to his home on the range. The contestants were allowed no tools, no aids at all. They must catch the pig using only their hands, and maybe their feet. Instantly, the pig’s protector worried that someone might kick the pig. I assured her no kicking was allowed.

What were we going to put on the pig? Well, it was a “greased” pig contest. I guaranteed her it would be only natural products, quite possibly coming from the pig’s ancestors.

“This might be too tiring for the pig,” she continued. “I must insist you allow a rest period every five minutes.” I suggested every fifteen minutes and we ultimately compromised on ten minutes. I wondered how effective this would be. Would the pig understand a rest period?

The day finally arrived and Joe drove his truck in with a very sturdy cage in the back containing… The Pig. To many, it looked like a wild boar. It snorted and banged against the cage, and several of the small freshmen began to have doubts about chasing this wild animal. Some worried the razorback might chase them instead.

The class committee decided to use vegetable oil to grease the swine, assuring the pig would be very hard to hold. Ten minutes before start time, students lined up behind a rope marking the starting line, and Joe and two classmates poured corn oil on the shoat, who didn’t care for the attention. Hands would pop in and spread the oil and jerk back before the pig could bite.

Though close to eighty students had signed up, there were probably only fifty on the starting line. Possibly some had second thoughts after seeing this ferocious looking bovine. But there were probably another two  hundred and fifty spectators. On the count of three, the rope was dropped and the door to the cage thrown opened.

Porky just stood there.

After railing against the cage, it didn’t want to leave. Joe grabbed a pencil out of his shirt pocket, reached in the cage, and jabbed the pig in its hindquarters. The bore took off. And as the contestants started running and screaming, the pig kept running.

Two or three students got a hand on the porker, but the slippery oil let the swine escape. Several dove at the pig and got nothing but a handful of grass. However, twin brothers had devised a plan and simultaneously dove at the pig from opposite sides. As the greasy bovine slipped out of one twin’s hands, it put him in the brother’s arms.

In three minutes, the contest was over. The twins held the oil covered pig down for the required thirty seconds and were declared the winners.

This special class had once again deviated from the norm. During the week leading up to the event anticipation saturated the school and grabbed the attention of the entire student body and most of the faculty.

And though the contest was very short, everyone in attendance seemed to have a great time.

Except, perhaps, the pig.

 

James R. Callan

Callan is no longer teaching.  He writes mystery and suspense novels.  Thus far, none has featured a wild pig, with or without grease.  But he’s not ruling that out.

The Hard Work of Telling the Truth:

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D.R. Ransdell is a writer and musician. She spent five years in Mexico teaching English and learning folk songs. Now, she plays with a mariachi group and writes a murder mystery series about mariachi bandleader Andy Veracruz. She also teaches writing at … Continue reading